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Existential Crisis(ee)

Recently Ive been having an existential crisis. For those who aren’t in the know about what an existential crisis is: An existential crisis is a moment where we as a singular person question the motive to our existence. In other words, questions have been battering against my mind for almost a week now, often painful questions that inspire a feeling of hopelessness and apathy.

Why am I driving on this road? Why am I attempting to get a job? Why am I eating? Why am I continuing to survive? Why do I like Canada more than America? Why do I feel like I need to fix this mistake that nature made?

Some of these questions are easy to answer, like I must be trans because I feel a compelling urge to make myself more comfortable in my body and thereby less unhappy. That lends itself to what I am about to write.

Why do I try to continue living? Haven’t I suffered enough? What is the point of continuing my miserable existence?

The answer doesn’t come easy to all of us. Some of us attempt to answer it by saying there’s no answer at all and we as humans simply must continue our existence by plowing on. I can’t accept this answer, because that’s not my answer.

We must continue to live because of the good ‘stuff’. As humans, our experiences will vary greatly. Some of us will experience discomfort emotionally or physically in ways that others cannot possibly understand. Despite this, it’s important to keep living for the good things in our lives that will inevitably happen if we let them. The good experiences and feelings that we will eventually experience will uplift our spirits because we experience something unique.

Our senses are a spectacular rainbow of events that we perceive during our life, and it’s a roller-coaster of positive and negative. Things may not always turn out the way you want them, you may never get to live in Canada, but you’ll experience other things.

That first bite of ice cream when you are so down, that the ice cream spreads wonderful feelings throughout your body.

That long shower after an exhausting day.

The leaves turning orange, red and yellow every fall.

The feeling you get when you’re on a swing and your tummy feels tingly.

That awesome video game.

Sewing your first outfit.

Pineapple bacon pizza.

So next time you feel like you’re having an existential crisis, remember that there might not be one set concrete answer to your questions, but rather this amalgamation of events that we participate in; they exist for both the good and the bad, and that either way, it can be totally radical, just let them happen.

Struggle

Being transgender is a journey, and possibly one of the most dangerous journeys one can undertake on a personal level. One must face not only his or her internal struggles, but the mediation from a society that is much, much sicker than any one single human being. New thoughts and feelings threaten to drag that person down into a pit of bitterness that would seal their position as just another conduit of hate and fear.

It would be very easy to just… Let go in the middle of everything. Suggest that anyone who doesn’t get bottom surgery is inferior to those who do. To suggest those that do pornography are worse than those that don’t. But isn’t that the very thing people are trying to accomplish here? To be in a position where they can escape judgement and be themselves, and be happy?

Transition is a path that one undertakes in order to be more of oneself than before, to be happier. Along that path are dangers, and it’s a very real danger that someone can ultimately lose themselves and end up in a position not unlike where they started.

It’s important to realize that there are such dangers when one transitions, and to remember that you’re striving┬áto be unhindered in what you want to express yourself as. It’s easy to forget that, I find, in the obsession to become ‘passing’ in the eyes of your peers.

Introductions

Hello everyone and no one, future me, past me, and all of the future people in the future reading this now. Or not.

How’s the future? Do we have flying cars? Teleporters? I hope so. That would make things in every day life so much more cool.

My name is Julie. It’s so nice to meet all and none of you, and I hope you’ll stick around to read my musings on the world of transgender philosophy, digital nomadism, and programmisms. This might be a crazy ride or a Very Normal(tm) one. So let’s make that journey together, and I will try to share everything I can for those that walk similar paths or just want to see how wild things can get. A lot of material on this blog might be highly .. Well. They might be hot topics in the time they were posted, and only reflect my theoretical musings on the subject. Nothing said here is meant in a slant towards any one person, and I never, ever mean to be offensive.

That said, a bit about me. I’m a transgendered female. There’s really no point in hiding it at this time. I’ve been in therapy for almost six months now trying to decide what my path in life will be. Regardless how I say or act, being transgendered is a huge portion of my life, and it takes tremendous energy and thought every day to just keep moving forward and to know what I want to do next. It’s stressful, and not always positive, but I accept that. Some part of my loves to observe gender in society as a whole and the implications it has on every social interaction. Sometimes this causes despondency in me, because the results are troubling. Other times it’s insightful, and I plan to share these observations here. I hope that you guys will find them insightful, too! Maybe not, and not everyone will agree with me, and that’s fine. All I ask is that everyone is open-minded.

I’m an IT technician by trade and certification, I began penetrating the industry back in 2008, and still haven’t been able to get away from it. Programming caught my heart in 2010, and while many may say there isn’t a huge difference between IT and Computer Science, there is. Fortunately, I think it will be computer science that finally lets me make my escape plan and become a digital nomad.

A bit of background on digital nomadism for those not familiar. A digital nomad is someone who travels the world to live in other countries while supporting themselves from working on the internet. Being a programmer, I don’t really need to be in an office to work, and that’s why.. Well. You get it. :)

I hope that you future peeps will enjoy this blog and my musings! And I can’t wait to take this journey with you. Until then, this is biscuitWizard (Julie)

Walkin’ the void!

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